Sexuality in marriage: where is the limit?

Which is permitted in marital intimacy? Expert Carlos Beltramo explains why love, mutual respect, and chastity are essential for spouses

One of the most frequent questions in married life is: is everything permissible in sexual intimacy within marriage? The answer lies in a word that has a bad reputation today, but is very useful: chastity. In some circles it has been believed that chastity consists solely in adolescents abstaining from sexual relations until they reach the altar. What many perhaps overlook is that chastity is a virtue lived throughout the whole of life, including within marriage. And, although some may be surprised, for a married couple, chastity consists precisely in having sexual relations.

Love between spouses is built in every aspect of daily life, and one of its expressions is sexual intimacy, being "two in one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5-6). Good communication, mutual understanding, and a experience of sexuality in accordance with God's plan help to strengthen that bond.

To delve deeper into this topic, Carlos Beltramo, academic coordinator of the Master's in Family at the University of Navarra and a member of the Board of Trustees of the Goodlove Foundation—which brings together sex education programs in line with the Magisterium of the Church in different countries—explains how to understand the scope of conjugal intimacy, reflecting on how ethics and love help guarantee that vocation to union within marriage.

The expert identifies three signs that help us understand what is morally permissible in marriage. They are ways of understanding how respect and love must be present in the intimacy of spouses. And we anticipate that, far from being a constant list of prohibitions, it is a broad vision that invites married people to enjoy the vocational gift God has given them: being husband and wife, and some of its "secondary gains," among them, mutual pleasure.

First sign: Moral limits

The first sign leads us to review those acts that are unequivocally contrary to the nature of the conjugal act. Here we must place those acts that distort the anatomical purpose of certain parts of the body, replacing sexual union with unnatural substitutes, as well as those mechanisms that alter the act or the physical integrity of either person in order to strip it completely of its procreative dimension.

Beltramo explains that the use of contraceptive methods affects the unitive dimension of the conjugal act, since both meanings, unitive and procreative, are related. "Even if it is only a plastic device (the condom or other similar method), we are talking about an uncomfortable and unnatural barrier."

The expert also reminds us that hormonal contraceptives produce changes in the woman's body, including, among others, effects on sexual desire.

Here Beltramo makes a distinction between "contraception" and "non-conception," the latter understood as recourse to natural family planning methods. To explain it, he uses a metaphor:

"Imagine you don't want to see someone. You're walking along a path and suddenly you see that person coming toward you along the same path. And you really don't want to run into them. Then you have two options: you keep on the same path and, before crossing, you kill them... or you switch to the path across the way to avoid the encounter. Contraception is staying on the same path and shooting fertility. Non-conception consists in crossing over to the other path to avoid the encounter. And if life decides to greet you from the path you just left, it is very likely because you are meant to meet them this time... and enjoy the encounter."

Natural methods of responsible parenthood allow spouses to know the fertile and infertile periods of the woman's cycle and, for justified reasons that the couple should always weigh before God, to postpone a pregnancy without resorting to contraception. This process requires communication and shared responsibility.

However, Beltramo warns that even these methods can be used with a contraceptive mentality, when the spouses' intention does not correspond to the meaning of responsible and generous parenthood.

"Analyzing the three sources of morality (moral object, intention, and circumstances), using a natural method, in itself, is a good object. But if your intention is selfish, the act is vitiated by the intention. The natural method remains good, but the intention is not, and that makes the moral act considered contrary to the nature of marriage."

Second sign: Mutual respect

The second sign leads us to consider those gestures and intimate caresses that, although not morally wrong in themselves, may cause discomfort in one of the spouses.

"Things that are totally permissible within sexual intimacy may bother your partner. One way to see the limits is to consider mutual respect, which is another face of love."

Beltramo explains that the displays of affection and caresses that accompany conjugal intimacy are part of the preparation and expression of love between spouses. As long as the function of the genitals is not altered and the act concludes with the union of the corresponding organs, there are many expressions of physical affection that husband and wife may give one another, always within mutual respect and the nature of the conjugal act.

"All areas of the body may be part of preliminary sexual caresses, provided the act is completed appropriately. Now, if one member of the couple does not like a certain gesture, that is their personal limit: it is not a universal moral limit, but for that couple it is better not to go there."

Intimacy should not be reduced to the enjoyment of one person alone; rather, it should seek the well-being and pleasure of both, always respecting each person's tastes and preferences. Once morally disordered situations have been avoided, as we saw in the first sign, the love of the spouses will forge the physical expressions of affection and intimacy in the fire of dialogue, understanding and, ultimately, the shared exploration of a world of enjoyment that God himself placed in that very particular relationship. Together, they set the rhythm of this joyful exploration.

And what happens if, over time, the couple falls into routine? The expert advises seeking new ways of expressing affection and living intimacy, always through dialogue and respect. And also through mutual and reciprocal effort to know the other, including with regard to their anatomy and psychology. Many marriages stagnate because they do not make the effort to step out of their comfort zone and to put themselves "in their spouse's shoes."

After all, the conjugal act is also a language of love between spouses, an opportunity to keep getting to know one another and to strengthen their union. As Beltramo points out, "we must truly convince ourselves that love is the center of sexual life."

Third sign: The conjugal debt

The conjugal debt, together with chastity, is perhaps one of the least used concepts today and, curiously, one of the most urgent and necessary to discuss. Although the term may sound like an "obligation to have sexual relations whenever one of the spouses desires it"—usually associated with the male chauvinist imposition of men over women—its meaning is entirely different, much deeper, and should not be confused with a demand or an imposition.

"Debt comes from duty, but a duty of love, which each partner feels for himself or herself and which is linked to human dignity. The debt is not my partner's owed to my appetites, but mine, out of love, owed to the good of my partner. The debt reminds us that the sexual act is something very important, of immense dignity, a place of flourishing and happiness for the spouses. Thanks to the debt, the couple understands that sexual intimacy is not to be played with: it is not used to educate the husband or to pressure the wife."

This point is important because sexual intimacy implies a disposition of love and self-giving toward the other. Yet at times it can be used as a form of punishment or manipulation. To avoid this temptation, which does enormous damage to married life, the expert reminds us that, in the face of conflict, reconciliation must be sought, without using intimacy as an instrument of pressure or manipulation.

And here, once again, differential psychology comes to help this mutual understanding and respect in love. "When faced with an argument, the woman often needs to resolve the problem in order to have sex—Beltramo explains; the man, on the other hand, often sees the sexual act as a way of making peace. Understanding these mismatches helps us not to manipulate with the debt and to establish true mutual connections."

But the debt is not only a resource in the face of problems. The positive elements it brings to the couple outweigh the negative ones it prevents. To understand this, Beltramo offers another example:

"When the wife, although not fully motivated, attends to her husband in a moment of tension, or when the husband makes an effort and takes all the time necessary to patiently caress his wife, respecting her pace and allowing her to fully enjoy the relationship as well, both are fulfilling that duty of love. The most beautiful thing is that going out of oneself to give pleasure to the other increases one's own pleasure."

This self-giving, therefore, must always be free and reciprocal, for conjugal love cannot be built on pressure or on an obligation to grant access to intimacy.

Being reciprocal: this too is what the experience of the conjugal act is about. Communicating, understanding one another, and seeking the good of the other allows intimacy to be an expression of love that strengthens their relationship.

Finally, Beltramo makes special mention of a current problem: pornography. He warns that its consumption introduces a foreign gaze into the intimacy of the spouses, affecting the way they relate to each other and understand their sexuality. Pornography never saves a couple's intimacy, and it always destroys it.

What truly saves that intimacy, both sexual and everyday, such as "having breakfast together in the place that recalls some special moment," is to look at one's spouse as Adam looked at Eve and say: "This one is bone of my bones," "This one is flesh of my flesh." And to have an attitude of gratitude toward God. For he has not only given the couple the vocation to marriage, but has also allowed two very different histories to meet and join to become one. And never to forget that, also in sexual intimacy, the husband is the path to heaven for the wife, and she is for him. And therefore, to also give infinite thanks.